I had it all worked out. I would work hard out of college and have a successful career. Get married, buy the house, try out parenting with a dog . . . and then take the plunge into motherhood. And by and large, that’s what happened. What I had not anticipated was living in an area where the average price for a modest two-bedroom home was half a million dollars, and child care was more than the cost of most private school tuitions. I’d always had the idea that I’d be able to stay home with my kids like my mom did, but suddenly parenthood looked much different. I worked all day and then came home exhausted to see my son for an hour or two before his bedtime, then repeated the process.
When my husband and I finally decided it was ridiculous for me to work full time only to pay our mortgage and the nanny, we moved halfway across the country from Los Angeles to Denver, and I threw myself into the life of a stay-at-home mom. I was a mom . . . and as it turned out, a mom to a special-needs kiddo. Our decision for me to quit work and move (someplace, incidentally, with one of the best school districts in the country and one of only two districts that provided the kind of intensive special-ed preschool my son needed) turned out to be a huge, God-orchestrated blessing.
But I underestimated how much satisfaction I’d drawn from my accomplishments at work, and how much I would miss the time I spent writing before I had kids. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy being home with my son, but I hadn’t realized how quickly my entire life would come down to one narrow focus. It didn’t take long to feel like I was drowning. My entire day was made up of domestic work, caring for a nonverbal preschooler, and soon after, a high-risk pregnancy and mysteriously ill infant. Somewhere, the woman who had been a marketing executive, the woman who had dreams of a writing career, had disappeared. It was around this time that I started writing again, not because I really thought I would get published, but because I needed an outlet, a way to use my brain, an excuse to leave my boys with my husband for a few hours and just breathe.
Like all seasons, that one eventually passed. The passion for writing remained, through seasons that were equally as challenging in different ways. The book I started in my elder son’s toddler years was eventually published, along with many others, and writing gave me a sense of purpose at times when the rest of my life was in chaos.
Credit:
It was this experience that I brought to the writing of Serena MacDonald Stewart in Under Scottish Stars. She’d experienced a string of losses that started well before her husband died: loss of her career, of the companionship of her family, of her painting. She focused on her children to the exclusion of all else . . . and wondered why she felt so adrift. She couldn’t even think of taking time for herself without guilt.
I think that’s a feeling most of us who are mothers can relate to. I know I could. It can feel selfish to make time for the things that feed our souls, but that feeling is the very reason it’s so important. A mother’s natural impulse is to constantly pour out, but without something to fill it back up, that well of empathy and caring can run dry, until all that’s left is exhaustion and resentment. That something doesn’t have to be a career or anything that could turn into a career—in fact, if you have a family and a career, you probably need another passion more than anyone! It could be a hobby that sparks joy and fulfillment, like gardening, athletics, or knitting. It is the thing that reminds you of your unique gifts and interests; it is the thing that tells you you’re capable of things that don’t have to do with cooking, homeschooling, or spreadsheet analysis; it’s the thing that helps form your personality, lights you up inside, gets you through long days.
As mothers and wives, women set the tone of their households, whether deliberately or unconsciously. A mom who goes through life exhausted, bitter, and grumpy sends the message that life is just a series of tasks that make you exhausted, bitter, and grumpy! But a mother who makes time for her own passions gives the rest of the family permission to pursue their passions as well. She shows her children that they aren’t the sum of their grades or their athletic achievements when they’re going through a difficult season—they’re also artists, musicians, or readers. She shows her husband that the woman she was before the kids came along still exists—and that means the man he was before the responsibility of a family still exists. And she models the truth that women are equal members of their households, fully fledged humans whose needs are no less important than the needs of those around them—an attitude that has far-reaching effects on how our communities see the roles of women in the world.
So spend the time to plant a rosebush, pursue the advanced degree, or start writing that novel you’ve been dreaming about. The investment made in yourself will pay huge dividends in your well-being and that of those around you.
Thanks Carla – I can so relate as a former lawyer, a wife, and mum to three daughters. Lots of juggling and readjusting of priorities to find solid ground under my feet!
Recently widowed Serena MacDonald Stewart focuses on her children to the exclusion of her career, her art, and her sanity. When her brothers ask her to oversee the family guest house on the Isle of Skye, it’s a chance to dust off her long-ignored business skills and make a new start. But her hopes for a smooth transition are dashed when the hotel manager, Malcolm Blake, turns out to be irritating, condescending . . . and incredibly attractive.
Malcolm Blake gave up everything—his home, his girlfriend, and his career—to return to Skye and raise his late sister’s teenage daughter. With few job opportunities available on the island, he signs on as the manager of the MacDonald family hotel, which he’s soon running successfully without interference from the owners. That is, until Serena shows up, challenging his authority and his conviction that there’s nothing missing from his new life on Skye.
Before long, Serena and Malcolm have to admit the spark between them is more than mere irritation. But as single parents, there’s more on the line than their own hearts. Will their commitment to family be the thing that draws them together or the only thing that could keep them apart?
Carla Laureano is the two-time RITA Award–winning author of Five Days in Skye, London Tides, and the Saturday Night Supper Club series. She is also the author of the Celtic fantasy series The Song of Seare (as C. E. Laureano). A graduate of Pepperdine University, she worked as a sales and marketing executive for nearly a decade before leaving corporate life behind to write fiction full-time. She currently lives in Denver with her husband and two sons.
Relz Reviewz Extras
All Things Laureano @ Relz Reviewz
Visit Carla’s website and blog
Buy at Amazon: Under Scottish Stars or Koorong
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July 8, 2020 at 1:45 pm
I have never been there. Thanks for the chance.
July 8, 2020 at 2:02 pm
Yes, I’ve visited there and absolutely loved it. It’s one of the places of my heart. I loved seeing how the people live there and the beautiful sights. We got a personal bagpipe concert from a friend and his son. Such fun memories!
July 8, 2020 at 6:49 pm
I’ve never visited Scotland but would love to someday.
July 8, 2020 at 9:08 pm
I’ve never visited Scotland but would love to. I’ve read several novels by George MacDonald and Michael Phillips that take place in Scotland and would love to see the country.
July 8, 2020 at 9:39 pm
I have never been to Scotland or outside of the US, but it is so nice to be able to go places in books. Thanks Carla!
July 8, 2020 at 10:05 pm
I’ve never been to Scotland but have always wanted to visit to learn more about the culture and see the gorgeous landscape.
July 8, 2020 at 10:50 pm
I’ve never visited Scotland. I’d like to visit some castles and enjoy the beautiful landscape.
July 8, 2020 at 10:55 pm
I have never been but would love to soak up the beautiful scenery.
July 9, 2020 at 12:33 am
I visited Scotland many years ago while on break as a college student in England. Even in the winter, it is such a beautiful place!
July 9, 2020 at 12:55 am
I just wanted to thank you Carla for writing about your personal journey. Even though I do not have children, I am a care-giver for my husband who has many health issues including 4th stage metastatic cancer. We are battling it. I had to stop working outside the home to care for him full time. What I found over time was that I was so focused on his needs and care that when we finally got to a point that his care was not a full time daily focus, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had eliminated all other interests other than caring for him – and although that was necessary for a time, it was now not an all-consuming need. I am a reader which was good for all the times I needed to just sit by his side and monitor him. But now he is doing better and more mobile and I don’t need to hover over him 24/7. My past career had been a chef/caterer. I have a need to create and be artistic in the development. And I certainly understand the need for an outlet for your creative force. I am a calligrapher and I am currently pursuing taking classes to increase my ability in this art form. But there is a “need” in me to “create” something that I just can’t seem to pinpoint or name – something that will fulfill a creative outlet and put balance in my life. I can’t go back to chef/catering as it is too demanding and would not leave me flexible for when I need to drop things and care for my husband. Anyway . . . . I will keep praying and searching for this “thing” that will allow the creative outlet for me while still taking care of things on the home-front. But I really needed to read what you wrote about your journey in finding balance and that there is hope for finding balance.
July 9, 2020 at 1:21 am
I visited Edinburgh last summer….amazing city and those Scottish accents are divine!
July 9, 2020 at 8:37 am
Scotland is on my bucket list! I love the landscapes and the accents!
July 9, 2020 at 9:27 am
I’ve never been to Scotland but it from photos, it looks like a beautiful country.
July 9, 2020 at 9:30 pm
I’ve never been to Scotland (or anywhere else in Europe) but would love to visit someday. When I was young my family was friends with an elderly Scottish woman. She shared her shortbread recipe with my mom, and I still make it occasionally. 🙂
July 10, 2020 at 1:08 am
I have not visited Scotland, but you sure make it sound like a place I’d enjoy! 🙂
July 10, 2020 at 1:09 am
I have never visited Scotland, but would love to some day.
July 10, 2020 at 2:40 am
I’d LOVE to visit Scotland one day <3 thank you for the chance to visit it through books though 🙂
July 10, 2020 at 5:12 am
No, I Have never visited Scotland. I have ancestors who lived there and enjoyed the beautiful landscape and life, one of many reasons people visit Scotland.
July 10, 2020 at 7:13 am
I’ve never been but I do have Scottish friends I met through a Scottish community in my town. They have dance sessions that are so much fun! Both my daughter enjoy their dance traditions.
July 11, 2020 at 3:21 am
I have never visited Scotland. I sure could fall for a Scottish accent though,lol! I’ve seen pictures and I would love to visit so I could fill my own camera with all the beautiful scenery.
Thank you for a lovely post! I too was a stay-at-home mom when my kids were in school and my focus was always on them. So I’m still trying to find my way even four years after my son graduated from high school (he’s my youngest). But, I’ve been enjoying more time with my husband and a bit of traveling we have done. I look forward to more in the future!
Thanks for the giveaway chance Rel.
July 11, 2020 at 6:48 am
I’ve never been there but would love to see it someday. Thanks for the chance to win!
July 11, 2020 at 3:34 pm
I would love to visit some day.
July 12, 2020 at 11:49 am
I’ve never been to Scotland. It looks like a beautiful country.
July 13, 2020 at 11:15 pm
Only armchair visits! I do genealogy and have family from there in the late 1700’s, so it would be doubly interesting to visit.
July 13, 2020 at 11:31 pm
We had a day trip to Scotland and was able to visit Edinburgh Castle. It was ancient and steeped in history, we voth enjoyed it very much!
July 14, 2020 at 10:02 am
I’m from the UK and I have been to Scotland. It is truly a fantastic place to visit; I often think about decamping from ‘down south’ and going Scots for good. Alas, I’ve not made good on my dreams but I’m thinking about planning a weekend break there soon after this lockdown craziness is over!
July 15, 2020 at 10:20 am
Oh, that sounds lovely, Lydia! Hope you get to visit Scotland soon. My sister lived in England for 7 years (married an englishman!) and we visited. We got to Wales but not Scotland. Hope to one day.
July 15, 2020 at 8:56 am
no