many people’s lives touched in some way by mental illness, it bothers me that there remains so much fear, and prejudice surrounding this complicated and misunderstood health issue. When best selling Amish author, Kelly Long, asked to share some of her family’s journey, I was honoured by the request. I remember my grandmother in the 1970’s being so drugged on anti-anxiety medicine that I once took an orange ball of yarn and wound her up in her chair without her ever waking–fun joke for a seven year old–terrifying to someone who feared being restrained…My grandmother always told me “Some day, they’ll tell you you’re crazy, but don’t believe them. You’re not–you’re just like me.” What a provoking legacy she gave me and it’s both haunted and freed me at the same time….
I remember my mother being so depressed in the 1980’s that she couldn’t get out of bed for full days and I tried everything I could to make her–But no perfect report card, no Homecoming Queen crown, no teenage pregnancy would stir her from somnolent rest until she finally took antidepressants and the ghost of the woman I knew suddenly started walking and talking and teaching and going and doing and…
They’re both dead now–my grandmother and mother. Both died early of cancer but I can’t help but wonder whether their respective mental illnesses contributed to the decline of their physical bodies–not because I think the two go hand in hand but rather because, in my mother’s case, she sought medical help so late for her depression. We all know the effects that stress can have on the body, but what about depression? Ah, I know the answers from numerous studies, but it doesn’t change the fact that for a long time, I misunderstood and truly hated mental illness until I went to university.
I remember myself in the 1990’s being so anxious and depressed that I could barely sit through a lecture. My hands shook when I typed papers, and though I saw a therapist, I refused to see a psychiatrist. I didn’t want to be like them–those two looming, seemingly crippled women in my life. Then my counselor, Becky, asked once in exasperation–“Wouldn’t you go to the doctor for a broken leg?”
“Yes,” I replied cautiously, not knowing where she was going.
“Well then,” she retorted. “Your mind is broken right now. Go to the doctor.”
It was like a giant fall of sunshine flooded my consciousness–my mind was broken. Why had I never thought of mental illness as brokenness before? Why had it always been dark rooms and secrets and lies? And tell me, for some folks, why is it still those things today?
I remember my daughter in 2011 being diagnosed with autism–a seeming mystery of mind and thought. I read everything I could, advocated, fought stereotypes and we moved forward until this year…
I remember months ago and my daughter’s rapid mood swings and then three weeks ago, her learned and trust worthy psychiatrist spending more than an hour with us–not only autism but bipolar now too…Bipolar .BIPOLAR! I cried, struggled, raved and wrestled with God, and then I remembered “the broken leg.” Simple? No. Reality? Yes.
Then I remember an hour ago, when I lined up the pill bottles for my daughter, when I thought of my grandmother and my mother and me, that she will have a different and better life–one that acknowledges brokenness but seeks wholeness, one where orange yarn is for knitting and naps are a luxury and where love and acceptance are the best of all legacies…
Relz Reviewz ExtrasGet to know KellyReviews of The Amish Bride of Ice Mountain and Arms of Love
December 5, 2014 at 8:08 am
Kelly, thank you for sharing so openly about a problem that is all too often ignored or swept under the rug. I have lived with a family member whose mental illness eventually resulted in her prolonged hospitalization, following which she was never the same. That was before the clearer understanding of the process and the development of medications that really help. I echo what you and Rel are saying.
December 5, 2014 at 10:42 am
Thanks for sharing, Richard. Appreciate it.
December 6, 2014 at 9:11 am
Thank you so much, Dr. Mabry. I know that time will hopefully produce more and better meds and understanding!
Kelly
December 5, 2014 at 8:38 am
Thank you for sharing your journey, Kelly. You are one brave woman.
December 5, 2014 at 10:43 am
That she is, Tamara.
December 5, 2014 at 10:19 am
Thank you for sharing. I suffer depression. It can be very difficult.
December 5, 2014 at 10:43 am
Hi Cathy – thanks for stopping by. I hope Kelly’s story offers encouragement as you take your own journey. Love and blessings xo
December 5, 2014 at 10:48 am
Thank you so much for sharing with us. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for over ten years.
December 5, 2014 at 10:54 am
It’s a battle, isn’t it, Cheryl. Thank you for sharing! It helps to know you aren’t alone in your suffering. Hugs to you xo
December 5, 2014 at 11:58 am
I work at a beauty salon and we were talking about mental illness. The young football player from Ohio State College killed himself in a dumpster..how sad is that..prayers for all mental illness..the unseen sickness
December 6, 2014 at 8:01 am
It is often unseen, Karen. And so very often misunderstood and feared when it need not be. Thanks for sharing.
December 5, 2014 at 12:41 pm
Kelly’s my best friend and writing partner and I commend her for sharing her story as it may help others who have struggle with mental illness or depression. She knows I hold her close to my heart in love and pray for her and her family on a daily basis. Kelly, I’m proud to call you my BBF!
December 6, 2014 at 8:02 am
Hey Maggie – thanks for stopping by. I’m sure you are a wonderful encouragement to Kelly 🙂
December 6, 2014 at 1:15 am
The vast majority of people who deal with mental illness are utterly and completely terrified of being found out, especially Christians.
Because, well, shouldn’t you pray and it’ll all be fine? Where’s your faith? Don’t you trust God to heal you? If you just claim healing, it’ll happen, unless you’re not a strong Christian.
Ha! That’s always just sooooooo helpful!! No wonder people stay silent!!!
Casting judgment upon our peers is the last acceptable bastion of Puritanical thinking. It is almost more frightening “coming out” with one’s diagnoses of depression or bipolar disorder than telling your family you don’t quite fit their mold of perfection-whatever that may be.
The emotional pain of depression is truly physical. It feels like a elephant on the chest, pressing you down into darkness. The guilt is palpable. And viciously cyclical. The “if only” arguments are horrendous, and often, the way out seems like admitting you’re so screwed up, that you’re reduced to an experiment.
If a person applied the arguments to recovery used on people with physical illnesses that are used on those with mental illness? Then most of the time, criminal charges would be laid for neglect and abuse. “Just try to walk on that broken leg, okay? Maybe if you tried harder and prayed more, your meningitis would heal itself. You know, your car accident is a result of the hidden sin in your life.”
Sound cruel? I’ve actually heard those arguments.
And I also heard that the meds I take should be temporary, because “I should be fine”. Yeah? Of course I SHOULD be. And it should always be summer!!! But without those meds? I shudder to think what my life would be like.
You are a brave and strong woman, Kelly, and thank you SO MUCH for bringing light into the darkness.
December 6, 2014 at 8:04 am
Hey, dear Jennifer – thank YOU! If only everyone could have the perspective and insight that is needed to understand and support those with the various forms of this illness. Love and hugs xo
December 6, 2014 at 2:27 am
I truly wish everyone could see depression and mental illness as the mind being broken rather something you can talk yourself out of. Don’t people who tell people to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps realize they would if they could. It’s not that simple.
December 6, 2014 at 8:04 am
So very, very true, Pat. Thanks for your insight xo
December 6, 2014 at 3:37 am
I had a panic attack on a bridge once (due to the height) – it was the first time I realized my fear of heights was a very real thing and I wrestled for months with guilt over that reaction. I’ve also increasingly wrestled with anxiety the past few years – it’d be so easy to give in to the fears. And I have an adult brother recently diagnosed with severe Aspergers. So many broken people in the world with similar situations. All these are difficult things to struggle with made even more so by people’s lack of understanding. Thank you for sharing, Kelly. 🙂
December 6, 2014 at 8:05 am
Appreciate you sharing, Sparks of Ember 🙂 You are helping people to know they are not alone. Hugs xo
December 7, 2014 at 5:39 am
Kelly,
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences in such a candid manner. I pray for God’s peace to always reign in your life.
December 9, 2014 at 9:56 pm
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, Kandi. I’m sure Kelly appreciates them greatly.
December 8, 2014 at 4:01 am
As someone who has suffered through both clinical depression since I was 15 (when my mother died unexpectedly at age 43), and panic attacks since I was 5-years old, thank you for sharing your story. I hid it for years, and coming out about my issues was one of the best and most healing things I ever did.
December 9, 2014 at 9:57 pm
Thank you, Donna. I’m so glad that you have found a way forward and can share your story. Hugs.
December 10, 2014 at 3:22 am
Hugs back at you, Kelly!